Jealous

I suppose this topic kind of goes along with my last post about self image.  Some days I feel like I'm overcoming the issues I have with myself, but others I feel like I regress.  What triggers the regression?  One of my main problems, I've realized, is jealousy and I honestly am slightly disgusted with myself for feeling this way.

Just earlier this evening, I had a spat with the person I love and it was because I had a jealous moment about him being friends with a girl.  Usually I'm fine with him having friends that are girls as I have friends that are guys.  Sometimes, though, a nerve is struck and something clicks in my head, telling me that no, that's not okay.  I then begin to judge said person despite the fact I have never met her and a fight with the significant other soon ensues.  It's not everyday that this kind of thing happens; only sometimes.  Either way, it's a sign of weakness. 

The past few days, I've been feeling really bad about my body image.  I feel like I've gained some weight that I had lost and that has had me slightly bummed out.  I've been trying to focus on other things to keep my mind off of feeling down about such a silly reason, but when I was talking to my boyfriend and he mentioned one particular person, all hell broke lose and I lost it.  My weak mental state had me harboring all of these ridiculous thoughts and creating reasons as to why I shouldn't like this person.  Silly, right?  Downright crazy, actually.  But after tonight, I think I have finally figured out where my jealous tendencies come from and it's from a lack of self confidence, which is a bit funny since in my last post I touted how I was becoming more confident in myself.  I guess practicing what you preach isn't as easy as it sounds.

It's all a work in progress.  It's all about changing the state of how the mind thinks.  And as someone once told me, it's about making other girls jealous of you.  We'll see about that.

(I want to give a special mention to my boyfriend for sticking by my side and dealing with my craziness by being so understanding and reassuring me when I need it.  I couldn't ask for anything more.)

Image

How is it that I can reassure one of my friends that they look fine in every way, but then turn around and be completely disgusted with how I look?  How is it that I can reassure someone that their problems are normal, but my own similar problems make me feel like I'm completely crazy?

I can accept others and the way they are, but I cannot seem to accept myself. 

I've never had the best self esteem, which I guess started in high school.  Big surprise there, right?  I don't know if it began because of depression, but I know that it's always been a contributing factor

So what is it exactly that I don't like about myself?  Well, there are a number of things.  I have no hips and a slightly chubby tummy.  My thighs are kind of thunderous and my skin is too pale.  As for my face, my cheeks are always way too rosy and my forehead always gets grossly dry.  My eyes are a boring brown color, as is my hair, which also happens to be very fine and limp.  Add bipolar, anxiety, depression, and paranoia to this mix and voila!  Out comes a hot mess.

And a hot mess I am no longer going to be.

Learning to accept my flaws and even embrace them is something that I'm finding to be necessary in my journey.  If I can't love myself, how can I love anyone else?  I feel like such a hypocrite giving advice to others if I cannot do the same for my own being, so something needs to change.  I think, deep down, I still focus a little too much about what others think.  I highly doubt that, when I walk into a room, someone thinks, "Oh my god the skin on that girl's forehead is way too pale and dry!"  Yeah, pretty certain no one has ever had this thought about anyone, ever. 

So now comes the acceptance part.  My stomach might be a bit flabby, but at least I'm healthy.  I might not have hips, but I have gorgeous tattoos that surround them.  And my thighs are strong, not just fat.  I have nice cheekbones under the redness and I can always just use lotion on my dry skin.  The paleness I kind of have to deal with since I don't tan very easily, but at least I don't burn easily, either.  My eyes sometimes turn green in the sun, so I guess that's kind of neat.  I can always add color to my hair if need be, and I'm rather lucky in the sense that I don't have to straighten my hair everyday.  And as far as my mental problems go, well, they make me a lot less boring.

Well, I guess things really aren't as bad as they seem.  This goes for everyone.  It might be hard sometimes, but putting a little positive perspective on the seemingly awful can go a long way.  Besides, it's our flaws that make us who we are.  Everyone would be incredibly dull without them, and really, who wants that?  There's nothing wrong with being a little more interesting.

Fear

I'm driving. It's dark outside. My only worry is hitting a deer with my tiny car. And then my mind goes blank. That's when the fear hits.

It starts in my stomach, where I can feel it twist into tight knots. It begins creeping ever so slowly upward. It's getting harder to breathe. I feel as though there is a great weight on my chest, keeping me from taking in precious air. My hands get clammy and I start to take shorter, quicker breaths. Meanwhile, my poor heart feels as though it's about to explode. I worry about it giving out, adding to the anxiety. All while this is happening, in my mind, I know I'm going to be fine.

I turn up the music and sing along, trying to calm myself out of this frenzied state. My breathing finally begins to slow and I take deep breaths as I keep focused on the road. I can feel my heartbeat return to it's familiar rhythm and I no longer feel like I could vomit. I breathe a sigh of relief. Another battle won.

I've been dealing with panic attacks for a few years now, and let me just say it is not fun. I had them fairly steadily for about a year before I learned how to control them. My doctor had put me on Atavan to stop them, and while it worked and felt awfully nice, it was becoming addictive and turning me into a zombie. I just had to learn what triggered my panic attacks and how to deal with them when I felt one coming on. So far, I've been successful. I haven't had a full blown freak out in over a year, although I've come awfully close. It's all about your state of mind, and unfortunately, here lately, I've been very much out of tune with my mind.

The driving scenario I described above has happened a dozen times in the past month. It's probably the worst feeling in the world, thinking you're going to die for no reason. I know it sounds absolutely crazy, but that's all a panic attack is really. They've been pretty unprovoked, too, so I'm not sure what my deal is. I've been more antsy going out in public, as well, and I'm afraid it's going to turn me into a hermit. I've been having to force myself to go out and do things. I get anxiety about my anxiety taking over just one time. Drinking, obviously, eases the senses and for me, that means I won't have an attack. Right, and it leads to drinking too much too often. Don't want to go there again. I wrecked a car, ruined a relationship, and made myself look like a fool more times than I can count (or remember).

I'm hoping I can beat this just like my other issues. It's a bit of a different battle, but one that can be won, nonetheless.

Downhill

I'm sorry to anyone that's actually been reading this. I know I've been bad about writing anything new lately. My emotions have just been on a downward spiral lately, and I'm trying to pick myself back up. I am working on an interesting new blog, though, that I think everyone will like. I'm hoping to have it up later this week if I can find the motivation to actually work on it.

But anyway, I'm not sure my medicines are working. I'm on Abilify 5mg, once a day in the evenings. My doctor also put me on Focalin 10mg, also once a day but in the mornings. This is for the supposed ADD that I have. I was doing well, but now I'm reverting back to how I was before I started the medication. I was on Cymbalta, but I was starting to have bad thoughts. Naturally, the doc took me off of that and now it's just the Abilify.

I'm thinking more and more about changing my diet, specifically changing it to gluten-free. I've read about how gluten has been linked to depression and can worsen it if it present in a person's diet. It looks like it might be a somewhat tough diet to follow, especially since I love breads and gluten is found in most bread products. Won't hurt to try it, that's for sure. I'm willing to do just about anything to beat this.

Death

I'm not sure that there's anything more feared on this planet than death.  People are afraid dying.  People are afraid of other people dying.  People are afraid of animals, plants, and even objects dying.  I know that, personally, death scares the shit out of me, and unfortunately, I became all too familiar with the bastard early on in life.

My great grandmother, who favored me and was someone I looked up to, passed away when I was twelve. She was a strong woman despite her age and was certainly not past whooping us kids if we needed it. She gardened, cooked, cleaned, and did anything and everything. I even miss her yelling at me when I wouldn't eat all of my vegetables because I didn't like them. Why did this have to happen...

The next death I experienced is one that shocked us all. My friend Matt passed away suddenly. Well, he wasn't only my friend, but my very first boyfriend, as well. We were twelve. I remember the night I received the phone call about his death like it was yesterday. I honestly had thought it was an April Fool's joke, as it was April 2nd when his best friend called me, telling me the tragic news. All I could think about was how unfair it was to have someone my age be taken away from us all. We were too young. We still had Pokemon to play and wrestling to watch. It just wasn't fair...

After Matt's passing, my grandmother died of leukemia a couple of months later. This rocked my very being to the core. I loved my Grammy so much. Why did I have to lose another so close to me? I was only twelve. My grandma was supposed to be there to see me grow up, get married, see her grandkids, and live life with her cats. Oh, those cats. I'm not much of a cat person, but I would give both arms and legs to see her happy with those smelly animals again. If it wasn't for Grammy, I wouldn't be who I am. She helped mold me to love animals, reading books, and playing video games. She helped save lives, as she was a nurse, and was just an amazing person. Again, it just wasn't fair...

To add insult to an already injured spirit, my grandpa, married to my Grammy, passed away just hours before she did. He died of a heart attack. Sleepovers with my cousins at my grandparents' house would be no more. One of my favorite things ever growing up were Sunday mornings when Grandpa would bring us donuts for breakfast. To be young again...

Was this a series of unfortunate events? Absolutely. It was after all of this death and sadness that I became depressed and my outlook on life changed. I stopped believing in God and I questioned life. When I turned thirteen, I was put on my first series of antidepressants. At fourteen, I started to cut myself and became isolated. It's been a vicious cycle ever since. I'm not sure if these happenings are what drove me "crazy", but I know they didn't help. All I can do now is accept that what happened happened and learn to move on because it'll only happen again. I just don't know when.

Nowadays, I believe everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure of that reason, but I think there's a purpose to every event that happens in life. Most of it may seem unfair, but that's life and with life comes death, the unnecessary evil. So for anyone that has experienced death, you are not alone. Whether by an illness, an accident, or a suicide, death happens and all we can do is learn to accept it and hope that the soul we lost is now at peace and in a better place.

Be sure to tell those close to you that you love them because you never know when death will rear his ugly face next.

Angel

I cannot stress enough the healing power of those with paws. Recently, I came to own the most precious, beautiful, sweetest golden retriever named Angel. Already, just having had her for a few days, my stress levels have lessened greatly and I'm beginning to feel even more like myself. She just wants nothing more than to cuddle and play.

And just how can I say no to this smiling face?

Love

I found myself at rock bottom, but with a sturdy ladder of support from others, I crawled my way out that dark place and kept going until I felt like I was the queen of the world. Nothing could stop me as I sat on my seat, or so I thought. All it took was a few shots to the heart and within minutes, I wanted nothing more than to be buried six feet beneath my throne. After spending what felt like an eternity in agony, understanding and kind words helped close the wounds before they could fester and turn something beautiful into something loathsome. 

A guarded, fragile heart can only handle so much.

Love is both scary and wonderful.  It's the greatest gift one can give, but when it's given, it hurts. There's a certain ache that comes with loving someone so much, and when that person does not show the same level of love back, that ache turns to unbearable pain. So why do we want to love and be loved so much?  Wouldn't it just be easier to rid ourselves of the entire notion?

No. If love were gone, I would be gone with it.

When I first posted about my ordeal, the amount of love I received was overwhelming. I wept with so much joy. I've never had that amount of support in my life. Knowing that so many actually cared about me changed my mindset and made me think more clearly about certain decisions I wanted to make. The love of others has saved my life many times over. And I don't necessarily mean just romantic love, but the love of family and friends, as well. I can't bear the thought of doing something to myself and making those I love feel miserable.  That is, after all, the complete opposite of what love is all about.


I know this entry is short, but it's to the point. Go tell the special people in your life that you love them because you never know. It might just make their day a little brighter or give them second thoughts.