Angel

I cannot stress enough the healing power of those with paws. Recently, I came to own the most precious, beautiful, sweetest golden retriever named Angel. Already, just having had her for a few days, my stress levels have lessened greatly and I'm beginning to feel even more like myself. She just wants nothing more than to cuddle and play.

And just how can I say no to this smiling face?

Love

I found myself at rock bottom, but with a sturdy ladder of support from others, I crawled my way out that dark place and kept going until I felt like I was the queen of the world. Nothing could stop me as I sat on my seat, or so I thought. All it took was a few shots to the heart and within minutes, I wanted nothing more than to be buried six feet beneath my throne. After spending what felt like an eternity in agony, understanding and kind words helped close the wounds before they could fester and turn something beautiful into something loathsome. 

A guarded, fragile heart can only handle so much.

Love is both scary and wonderful.  It's the greatest gift one can give, but when it's given, it hurts. There's a certain ache that comes with loving someone so much, and when that person does not show the same level of love back, that ache turns to unbearable pain. So why do we want to love and be loved so much?  Wouldn't it just be easier to rid ourselves of the entire notion?

No. If love were gone, I would be gone with it.

When I first posted about my ordeal, the amount of love I received was overwhelming. I wept with so much joy. I've never had that amount of support in my life. Knowing that so many actually cared about me changed my mindset and made me think more clearly about certain decisions I wanted to make. The love of others has saved my life many times over. And I don't necessarily mean just romantic love, but the love of family and friends, as well. I can't bear the thought of doing something to myself and making those I love feel miserable.  That is, after all, the complete opposite of what love is all about.


I know this entry is short, but it's to the point. Go tell the special people in your life that you love them because you never know. It might just make their day a little brighter or give them second thoughts.

Verdict

It's official: I have bipolar disorder. And you know what? I'm quite relieved. I say this because I feel like I can finally receive the proper treatment that I've needed all of these years. I'm looking forward to a  mind (hopefully) free of anxiety, depression, mood swings, and paranoia. I'm ready to start living life the way it's meant to be lived.

For anyone that doesn't really understand bipolar disorder, I will briefly explain. It's characterized by the sudden and sometimes severe change in a person's mood. One usually goes from an extreme high (mania) to an extreme low (depression). While most of the time there is a brief period of normalcy between episodes, the change can happen very quickly in some. Manic episodes involve a person feeling a certain high. They are filled with energy. Their speech is often faster, they want to so much more, and many times the behavior is reckless. Depressive episodes are, naturally, the opposite and can ultimately lead to thoughts of suicide.

For me personally, I experience more depressive episodes within my normal state, but I do have the periods of mania thrown in. Here recently, I went through a brief stint of a manic mindset. I was just so happy. Nothing could stop me. I felt like I could do anything and everything and I felt as though I no longer had anything to worry about ever again. I wanted to tackle so many things I've been putting off, like writing more, finishing a couple of books, doing more schoolwork, exercise and trying to squeeze in more volunteer hours. What did I end up doing? Nothing. I cleaned some, I think. I know now that one of my manic symptoms is the fact I clean vigorously at night, anytime after 9:00 pm. Shopping is something else I do. (A credit card is the worst thing for a manic depressive person.) I used one of my store cards to buy a couple of new shirts and some jewelry that I normally would not have purchased. It felt amazing at the time and I had no worries of paying the money back because it's just that, money, right? Yeah, right. Well, at least spending is my reckless behavior and not doing drugs or something. The worst symptom of my mania, though, is my extreme irritability. As of late, it had become worse and turned into violent outbursts. There were a few times where I actually tried to strike someone or threw objects. I will scream and yell and say the first horrible thing that comes to mind. As my psych doc said, "You don't want to be known as bitchy Amanda, do you?" No, I surely don't.

Now, my depressive states dominate the mania by far. Usually if I'm not feeling what I would consider normal or I'm not overly happy, I'm just blah, which is a majority of the time. Just getting up out of bed most mornings is a chore. Homework never gets done and it's effected my school to point that just makes me even more depressed. I'm not working right now and it's largely due in part to this and anxiety. I feel like I just can't enjoy things like I used to, so instead I just do nothing. I either sleep, watch television, or look at the internet mindlessly. Then, in the end, I get even more upset with myself for wasting so much time by not doing anything. I can't win against myself. 

I am now on two medications, Cymbalta and Abilify, that will hopefully get me back on track. The Cymbalta is for the anxiety and depression while the Abilify is for the mood swings and also depression. (The doc originally put me on Seroquel for the mood swings, but it made me sleep for about twelve hours. Pretty counterproductive, I'd say.) I'm also going to start making changes to my life style. The first will be an attempt at eating better. I've had a few people tell me this has helped them, so I will try it for myself. I've started taking vitamins again and I will try to drink lots of water even though I'm pretty addicted to Mountain Dew. More exercise will benefit me, as well, I'm sure, but only if I quit being lazy and stop procrastinating first. The most important thing to get me through all of this, though, is the love and support I've gotten from others. They've made me realize there are many reasons to keep going and to stay strong.

Yeah, I've got this thing beat.