Broken

It's Saturday night and I'm sitting in my bedroom, contemplating where my life is going, and honestly, I feel like a lost cause at this point. I just hope it's not too late to pull myself back together.

You see, I've been dealing with a horrible bout of extreme anxiety and depression for the past six months and it has just gotten steadily worse. Every time I think I'm improving, something sets me back and I have to start all over again from rock bottom. Well, something needs to change and it needs to happen now. I'm tired of my inner demons getting the best of me. This blog will be a part of my healing process, and I hope that through my progress, others can find hope when they themselves are trying to escape from dark places.

I guarantee that after reading the above paragraph, people probably have already come to the conclusion that I'm crazy. I do have my reasons for being the way I am.

I've dealt with a lot of death at an early age. I've had to live with my father being gone all the time because he was in the military. I've had to live with being an only child and having no one but myself and my dogs. I was teased for the way I dressed and for liking the things I did. I was always quiet, so it was hard for me to make friends. Therefore, I didn't have many. I've battled issues with the way I look, both my face and my body. I've been cheated on and hit by someone I loved and I've had my trust betrayed by others still. I've seen friends succumb to alcohol and drugs. And in the end, I pushed away someone I cared for dearly because I was haunted by these things.

Over time, I have developed major depression and anxiety. My mood swings are intense. I will be okay when I wake up in the morning, but by the afternoon I feel nothing except sadness. I get annoyed too easily with anything and everything, causing my anger to build up and eventually boil over onto someone who doesn't deserve it. I become paranoid, too. I question whether the people in my life actually care about me, whether my boyfriend is cheating on me, or if a random group of people are talking about me as I walk by. I'm scared to be alone, but I expect to be just that since so many others have come in and out of my life, whether by choice or not. All of these thoughts roll through my head like a tornado almost daily.

I know all of this seems so trivial when one looks at the big picture of life. I could be so much worse off. I'm lucky to have parents and a few close friends who would do just about anything for me. I have my health. Well, a healthy body, at least. I also like to think I'm smart, so I have the chance to be very successful in life. As far as any real talents go, I feel the only thing I'm remotely good at is writing, but I am thankful for that, as well. I'm not an addict, not in much debt, and not a bad person. So as you all can see, my life isn't that terrible.

But that's the most frustrating part. I know I have no reason to feel the way I do, but I can't help it. I'm sure some are skeptical about mental illness, thinking it's a cry for help. If that were the case, I would have never drank myself to sleep more times than I can count just so I wouldn't feel anxious. I would have never yelled at my boyfriend and accused him of things he didn't do, eventually driving him away. I would have never skipped almost an entire semester of college because I couldn't get out of bed or because I thought I would have a panic attack while sitting in class. Honestly, who would choose this way of life?

Soon, I will start seeking psychiatric help once more. Medications can help and honestly, it's a really horrible feeling knowing I must rely on them to stay "sane". I'm tired of feeling this way, though. I want to be my old self again, and I'm going to get there no matter what it takes. It must be looked at as if I had any other type of "physical" illness that requires medication. It's not something to be ashamed of.

I have hidden this side of myself from most, but now it's time to break my silence, make a change, and be strong for myself and for those who have lost hope.