Verdict

It's official: I have bipolar disorder. And you know what? I'm quite relieved. I say this because I feel like I can finally receive the proper treatment that I've needed all of these years. I'm looking forward to a  mind (hopefully) free of anxiety, depression, mood swings, and paranoia. I'm ready to start living life the way it's meant to be lived.

For anyone that doesn't really understand bipolar disorder, I will briefly explain. It's characterized by the sudden and sometimes severe change in a person's mood. One usually goes from an extreme high (mania) to an extreme low (depression). While most of the time there is a brief period of normalcy between episodes, the change can happen very quickly in some. Manic episodes involve a person feeling a certain high. They are filled with energy. Their speech is often faster, they want to so much more, and many times the behavior is reckless. Depressive episodes are, naturally, the opposite and can ultimately lead to thoughts of suicide.

For me personally, I experience more depressive episodes within my normal state, but I do have the periods of mania thrown in. Here recently, I went through a brief stint of a manic mindset. I was just so happy. Nothing could stop me. I felt like I could do anything and everything and I felt as though I no longer had anything to worry about ever again. I wanted to tackle so many things I've been putting off, like writing more, finishing a couple of books, doing more schoolwork, exercise and trying to squeeze in more volunteer hours. What did I end up doing? Nothing. I cleaned some, I think. I know now that one of my manic symptoms is the fact I clean vigorously at night, anytime after 9:00 pm. Shopping is something else I do. (A credit card is the worst thing for a manic depressive person.) I used one of my store cards to buy a couple of new shirts and some jewelry that I normally would not have purchased. It felt amazing at the time and I had no worries of paying the money back because it's just that, money, right? Yeah, right. Well, at least spending is my reckless behavior and not doing drugs or something. The worst symptom of my mania, though, is my extreme irritability. As of late, it had become worse and turned into violent outbursts. There were a few times where I actually tried to strike someone or threw objects. I will scream and yell and say the first horrible thing that comes to mind. As my psych doc said, "You don't want to be known as bitchy Amanda, do you?" No, I surely don't.

Now, my depressive states dominate the mania by far. Usually if I'm not feeling what I would consider normal or I'm not overly happy, I'm just blah, which is a majority of the time. Just getting up out of bed most mornings is a chore. Homework never gets done and it's effected my school to point that just makes me even more depressed. I'm not working right now and it's largely due in part to this and anxiety. I feel like I just can't enjoy things like I used to, so instead I just do nothing. I either sleep, watch television, or look at the internet mindlessly. Then, in the end, I get even more upset with myself for wasting so much time by not doing anything. I can't win against myself. 

I am now on two medications, Cymbalta and Abilify, that will hopefully get me back on track. The Cymbalta is for the anxiety and depression while the Abilify is for the mood swings and also depression. (The doc originally put me on Seroquel for the mood swings, but it made me sleep for about twelve hours. Pretty counterproductive, I'd say.) I'm also going to start making changes to my life style. The first will be an attempt at eating better. I've had a few people tell me this has helped them, so I will try it for myself. I've started taking vitamins again and I will try to drink lots of water even though I'm pretty addicted to Mountain Dew. More exercise will benefit me, as well, I'm sure, but only if I quit being lazy and stop procrastinating first. The most important thing to get me through all of this, though, is the love and support I've gotten from others. They've made me realize there are many reasons to keep going and to stay strong.

Yeah, I've got this thing beat.

Broken

It's Saturday night and I'm sitting in my bedroom, contemplating where my life is going, and honestly, I feel like a lost cause at this point. I just hope it's not too late to pull myself back together.

You see, I've been dealing with a horrible bout of extreme anxiety and depression for the past six months and it has just gotten steadily worse. Every time I think I'm improving, something sets me back and I have to start all over again from rock bottom. Well, something needs to change and it needs to happen now. I'm tired of my inner demons getting the best of me. This blog will be a part of my healing process, and I hope that through my progress, others can find hope when they themselves are trying to escape from dark places.

I guarantee that after reading the above paragraph, people probably have already come to the conclusion that I'm crazy. I do have my reasons for being the way I am.

I've dealt with a lot of death at an early age. I've had to live with my father being gone all the time because he was in the military. I've had to live with being an only child and having no one but myself and my dogs. I was teased for the way I dressed and for liking the things I did. I was always quiet, so it was hard for me to make friends. Therefore, I didn't have many. I've battled issues with the way I look, both my face and my body. I've been cheated on and hit by someone I loved and I've had my trust betrayed by others still. I've seen friends succumb to alcohol and drugs. And in the end, I pushed away someone I cared for dearly because I was haunted by these things.

Over time, I have developed major depression and anxiety. My mood swings are intense. I will be okay when I wake up in the morning, but by the afternoon I feel nothing except sadness. I get annoyed too easily with anything and everything, causing my anger to build up and eventually boil over onto someone who doesn't deserve it. I become paranoid, too. I question whether the people in my life actually care about me, whether my boyfriend is cheating on me, or if a random group of people are talking about me as I walk by. I'm scared to be alone, but I expect to be just that since so many others have come in and out of my life, whether by choice or not. All of these thoughts roll through my head like a tornado almost daily.

I know all of this seems so trivial when one looks at the big picture of life. I could be so much worse off. I'm lucky to have parents and a few close friends who would do just about anything for me. I have my health. Well, a healthy body, at least. I also like to think I'm smart, so I have the chance to be very successful in life. As far as any real talents go, I feel the only thing I'm remotely good at is writing, but I am thankful for that, as well. I'm not an addict, not in much debt, and not a bad person. So as you all can see, my life isn't that terrible.

But that's the most frustrating part. I know I have no reason to feel the way I do, but I can't help it. I'm sure some are skeptical about mental illness, thinking it's a cry for help. If that were the case, I would have never drank myself to sleep more times than I can count just so I wouldn't feel anxious. I would have never yelled at my boyfriend and accused him of things he didn't do, eventually driving him away. I would have never skipped almost an entire semester of college because I couldn't get out of bed or because I thought I would have a panic attack while sitting in class. Honestly, who would choose this way of life?

Soon, I will start seeking psychiatric help once more. Medications can help and honestly, it's a really horrible feeling knowing I must rely on them to stay "sane". I'm tired of feeling this way, though. I want to be my old self again, and I'm going to get there no matter what it takes. It must be looked at as if I had any other type of "physical" illness that requires medication. It's not something to be ashamed of.

I have hidden this side of myself from most, but now it's time to break my silence, make a change, and be strong for myself and for those who have lost hope.