Jealous

I suppose this topic kind of goes along with my last post about self image.  Some days I feel like I'm overcoming the issues I have with myself, but others I feel like I regress.  What triggers the regression?  One of my main problems, I've realized, is jealousy and I honestly am slightly disgusted with myself for feeling this way.

Just earlier this evening, I had a spat with the person I love and it was because I had a jealous moment about him being friends with a girl.  Usually I'm fine with him having friends that are girls as I have friends that are guys.  Sometimes, though, a nerve is struck and something clicks in my head, telling me that no, that's not okay.  I then begin to judge said person despite the fact I have never met her and a fight with the significant other soon ensues.  It's not everyday that this kind of thing happens; only sometimes.  Either way, it's a sign of weakness. 

The past few days, I've been feeling really bad about my body image.  I feel like I've gained some weight that I had lost and that has had me slightly bummed out.  I've been trying to focus on other things to keep my mind off of feeling down about such a silly reason, but when I was talking to my boyfriend and he mentioned one particular person, all hell broke lose and I lost it.  My weak mental state had me harboring all of these ridiculous thoughts and creating reasons as to why I shouldn't like this person.  Silly, right?  Downright crazy, actually.  But after tonight, I think I have finally figured out where my jealous tendencies come from and it's from a lack of self confidence, which is a bit funny since in my last post I touted how I was becoming more confident in myself.  I guess practicing what you preach isn't as easy as it sounds.

It's all a work in progress.  It's all about changing the state of how the mind thinks.  And as someone once told me, it's about making other girls jealous of you.  We'll see about that.

(I want to give a special mention to my boyfriend for sticking by my side and dealing with my craziness by being so understanding and reassuring me when I need it.  I couldn't ask for anything more.)

Image

How is it that I can reassure one of my friends that they look fine in every way, but then turn around and be completely disgusted with how I look?  How is it that I can reassure someone that their problems are normal, but my own similar problems make me feel like I'm completely crazy?

I can accept others and the way they are, but I cannot seem to accept myself. 

I've never had the best self esteem, which I guess started in high school.  Big surprise there, right?  I don't know if it began because of depression, but I know that it's always been a contributing factor

So what is it exactly that I don't like about myself?  Well, there are a number of things.  I have no hips and a slightly chubby tummy.  My thighs are kind of thunderous and my skin is too pale.  As for my face, my cheeks are always way too rosy and my forehead always gets grossly dry.  My eyes are a boring brown color, as is my hair, which also happens to be very fine and limp.  Add bipolar, anxiety, depression, and paranoia to this mix and voila!  Out comes a hot mess.

And a hot mess I am no longer going to be.

Learning to accept my flaws and even embrace them is something that I'm finding to be necessary in my journey.  If I can't love myself, how can I love anyone else?  I feel like such a hypocrite giving advice to others if I cannot do the same for my own being, so something needs to change.  I think, deep down, I still focus a little too much about what others think.  I highly doubt that, when I walk into a room, someone thinks, "Oh my god the skin on that girl's forehead is way too pale and dry!"  Yeah, pretty certain no one has ever had this thought about anyone, ever. 

So now comes the acceptance part.  My stomach might be a bit flabby, but at least I'm healthy.  I might not have hips, but I have gorgeous tattoos that surround them.  And my thighs are strong, not just fat.  I have nice cheekbones under the redness and I can always just use lotion on my dry skin.  The paleness I kind of have to deal with since I don't tan very easily, but at least I don't burn easily, either.  My eyes sometimes turn green in the sun, so I guess that's kind of neat.  I can always add color to my hair if need be, and I'm rather lucky in the sense that I don't have to straighten my hair everyday.  And as far as my mental problems go, well, they make me a lot less boring.

Well, I guess things really aren't as bad as they seem.  This goes for everyone.  It might be hard sometimes, but putting a little positive perspective on the seemingly awful can go a long way.  Besides, it's our flaws that make us who we are.  Everyone would be incredibly dull without them, and really, who wants that?  There's nothing wrong with being a little more interesting.