Fear

I'm driving. It's dark outside. My only worry is hitting a deer with my tiny car. And then my mind goes blank. That's when the fear hits.

It starts in my stomach, where I can feel it twist into tight knots. It begins creeping ever so slowly upward. It's getting harder to breathe. I feel as though there is a great weight on my chest, keeping me from taking in precious air. My hands get clammy and I start to take shorter, quicker breaths. Meanwhile, my poor heart feels as though it's about to explode. I worry about it giving out, adding to the anxiety. All while this is happening, in my mind, I know I'm going to be fine.

I turn up the music and sing along, trying to calm myself out of this frenzied state. My breathing finally begins to slow and I take deep breaths as I keep focused on the road. I can feel my heartbeat return to it's familiar rhythm and I no longer feel like I could vomit. I breathe a sigh of relief. Another battle won.

I've been dealing with panic attacks for a few years now, and let me just say it is not fun. I had them fairly steadily for about a year before I learned how to control them. My doctor had put me on Atavan to stop them, and while it worked and felt awfully nice, it was becoming addictive and turning me into a zombie. I just had to learn what triggered my panic attacks and how to deal with them when I felt one coming on. So far, I've been successful. I haven't had a full blown freak out in over a year, although I've come awfully close. It's all about your state of mind, and unfortunately, here lately, I've been very much out of tune with my mind.

The driving scenario I described above has happened a dozen times in the past month. It's probably the worst feeling in the world, thinking you're going to die for no reason. I know it sounds absolutely crazy, but that's all a panic attack is really. They've been pretty unprovoked, too, so I'm not sure what my deal is. I've been more antsy going out in public, as well, and I'm afraid it's going to turn me into a hermit. I've been having to force myself to go out and do things. I get anxiety about my anxiety taking over just one time. Drinking, obviously, eases the senses and for me, that means I won't have an attack. Right, and it leads to drinking too much too often. Don't want to go there again. I wrecked a car, ruined a relationship, and made myself look like a fool more times than I can count (or remember).

I'm hoping I can beat this just like my other issues. It's a bit of a different battle, but one that can be won, nonetheless.